I’m going to say something that may ruffle a few perfectly moisturized feathers.
If you are an unmarried woman over 40, this is probably a good time to retire the Disney princess fantasy.
Not love. Not romance. Not marriage.
The fantasy.
The one where happiness finally begins when the right man appears, recognizes how extraordinary you are, sweeps you into a fabulous relationship, validates every painful thing you’ve been through, and proves once and for all that you were worthy of being chosen.
Ladies.
We have lived too much life for that.
And yet I still see grown women chasing a version of romantic love that belongs somewhere between Cinderella and a celebrity fan page. Some are convinced Prince Charming is right around the corner. Some have attached the fantasy to a particular man who has shown little or no indication that he is actually available. Some are waiting for the millionaire, the celebrity, the impossibly perfect soulmate, or the man who checks 47 boxes while somehow having no annoying habits whatsoever.
Meanwhile, reality is standing in the corner checking its watch.
There is nothing wrong with wanting an incredible man.
There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage at 42, 52, 62, or 82.
But there is a difference between having standards and building an entire emotional life around a fantasy.
And desperation, unfortunately, has a scent.
When a woman believes getting a man is the final proof that she is attractive, successful, lovable, feminine, desirable, or “winning” at life, dating becomes incredibly high stakes.
Every text becomes evidence.
Every delay becomes rejection.
Every promising man becomes a potential husband before he has even proven he can consistently make plans for Saturday.
And frankly, I cannot imagine that being particularly easy for the men on the receiving end either.
A man should be meeting a woman who already has a life, not accidentally interviewing for the position of Chief Executive Officer of Her Happiness.
By this age, we should be asking better questions.
Not simply, “How do I get married?”
But:
Would marriage genuinely improve the life I’ve created?
Do I actually like this man, or do I like what being chosen by him would mean to me?
Are we compatible in real life, not just in my imagination?
Does he communicate? Is he emotionally available? Are our values compatible? Can we solve problems together?
And perhaps the biggest question:
If I remain single, can I still create a beautiful life?
I think the answer should be yes.
That changes dating completely.
Because when you know you can be happy single, you are no longer auditioning.
You are evaluating.
There is a world of difference.
You can enjoy someone without immediately mentally changing your last name.
You can walk away from inconsistency.
You can stop trying to turn chemistry into compatibility.
You can stop treating every unattached man with a decent credit score as potentially The One.
And you can recognize that sometimes a relationship ending is not evidence that you failed. Sometimes it is evidence that your discernment finally showed up for work.
The world is changing, ladies.
Women are earning money, buying homes, traveling, building businesses, creating communities, choosing childfree lives, remaining single longer, marrying later, divorcing relationships that no longer work, and designing adulthood in ways our grandmothers may never have imagined were possible.
That means our romantic expectations have to evolve too.
Marriage can be wonderful.
Love can be extraordinary.
A healthy partnership can add enormous joy to your life.
But a man should be an addition, not your missing identity.
And if someone wonderful comes along?
Fantastic.
Make room at the table.
But until then, eat the good food, take the trip, buy the beautiful sheets, build the business, make the friends, decorate the apartment, wear the dress, start the project, and live the damn life.
You are not sitting in the lobby waiting for your real life to begin.
And Prince Charming?
If he eventually shows up, wonderful.
He can meet you in progress.
The How to Be Single and Happy by Jennifer Taitz, PsyD picks up where this article left off.
If this spoke to you, visit again for more on Forty Plus and Childfree, where we talk about relationships, travel, money, wellness, freedom, books and creating an extraordinary life after 40.
#WomenOver40 #DatingAfter40 #SingleAndHappy #IntentionalSinglehood #ChildfreeWomen
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